Review : BATTLESHIP

(Brooklyn Decker facing up to the chilling realisation of what she's become a part of)

With Battleship, Michael Mann protege Peter Berg has taken us to depths of boredom I never knew existed.

An opening 10 minutes suggest we could be in for riotous fun, yet once the football match gets under way we are stuck with po-faced sincerity in the face of the completely absurd, up until Thunderstruck by AC/DC starts booming over the soundtrack, but by then it's already too late.

There is literally a scene halfway through when the protagonist ship pretty much starts to play the board game this folly is based on. At this moment, I'm in absolute no doubt that like me, the voices in many, many MANY peoples heads in multiplexes all across the world will be thinking "Is this actually happening? Bugger it is. What a terrible idea for a film. And yet, here I am dedicating my time to it. WHAT ON EARTH HAVE I DONE?!?"

To those with that subsequent troubling inner monologue, what we have done is collectively encouraged the studios to make more fun-filled pop corn flicks with....

*Zero character development.

*A plot that is the polar opposite of compelling.

*Rubbish aliens with no personality or set agenda and look like beaten up versions of the Master Chief with a hedgehog cello-taped to their chins.

* Uninspiring & regurgitated action sequences of the same firing & exploding set-up over & over & OVER AGAIN.

*Cast actors with gravitas like Liam Neeson & do absolutely nothing with them.

*Cast pop stars in meaningless roles for no reason other than an economical one.

This feeble argument along the lines of "it's a film with aliens and robots and blahdeblahdeblah, what are you expecting?" cannot be accepted as justification any more. I'm sorry it just can't. It's just not good enough. THIS is just not good enough. Mainstream doesn't always have to be intelligent, but it should never be atrociously banal. Box office history has proven that, and this continuous bastardisation of the films of Michael Bay in populist cinema has got to stop.

But on that note, even things as hateful as Revenge Of The Fallen & Dark Of The Moon are masterful pieces of escapist entertainment compared to this. Thanks to Battleship, I have now perfected the art of resting my head comfortably on the side of a cinema seat & closing my eyes for a much needed snooze, despite the decibel levels reverberating around the auditorium & ringing in the ears of an audience yawning in unison.

Sink this!

1/5