If The Cinema Had Laws

We have all been to the cinema, but in this technological advanced age where people live whole lives online, its getting more and more impossible to achieve that one simple aim - get a bunch of people to watch a movie without disturbing someone.    We are there for the same reason - to immerse ourselves in the cinematic experience.  Woe betide anyone who drags us back into reality.

So after much anguish and icy stares at fellow movie-goers, here is my OCD-influenced list of what should/should not happen in a cinema.  Yes, it does come across as grumpy, and no, I don't have too much time on my hands (took all of 30 mins to do).  It might bother some people more than others, but as more and more "incidents" occur, our toleration level should not rise (in tandem with cinema prices) because it's just plain wrong.

If you think of anymore then please comment, but there is one thing I bet - that you will agree with all that I list.

There are 2 groups responsible for ensuring a smooth cinematic experience.  3 if you include the quality of the film, but that's another point entirely.  Those 2 groups are the Cinema itself, and the people who visit it (i.e. you and me).

Cinema-goers:

1) Be on Time 
There's about 20 minutes of adverts, and yet you still feel the need to walk in, make a noise and piss about when the film is 10 minutes in. Even more annoying when this happens and the person in question is carrying a giant box of popcorn and a drink. So let me get this right, your mega late for the movie, but you still felt the need to spend ages in a queue? Get your arse in gear and show respect for those who made it on time.

2) Noisy Food
Yes I know this is probably a case of me being too picky. But its the timing of the food being opened rather than the food itself. The adverts for products come and go. Next up is the semi-exciting trailers. All come and go pleasantly.  Darkness then falls. The BBFC rating appears and then vanishes as the screen goes black and silence falls.  Then the movie starts.  And that's when you decide to open your ridiculously loud packet of crisps and start shovelling popcorn in your mouth like your wrist is part-Terminator. As soon as you do that I'm jolted from my cinema experience and back into the hell of reality.C'mon! If your sitting there, open it before the movie starts.

3) Mobile Phones
Do I need to say any more about this? If you can't sit for 2 hours without looking at your phone then you shouldn't be at the cinema because clearly you don't have the attention span to watch a film.  I'm guessing you don't have books at home either. Respect those around you - and stop looking at it.

4) Talking/Laughing (non-comedic films)
I was in the middle of watching the brilliant "Get Low" drama last year, and it was almost ruined by some brat giggling through it.  Thankfully someone a few rows back shouted "Shut the f**k up". Unfortunately there just aren't enough back-row saviours to solve this problem.  If you want to be social or chat, or share your jokes, then great. Go to the pub. Don't go to the cinema because we are there to watch the movie, not listen to your irritating voice.

5) Going To The Toilet
If you rush to the toilet 2hrs in to a 31/2 hour epic then ignore this. I've done that myself and it cannot be helped.  This is for those who sit through all the trailers, chat to their mates for ages, then, just as I'm slipping into my cinematic experience, it's rudely interrupted because that's when they decide to go, and I'm treated to their outline as well as the clump of their boots, twice over.

6) Foot-tapping/Other Repetitive Movement
This one is a major source of annoyance for me, because, much like the sign language woman in the lower right hand corner of your screen, as soon as you see it, you cannot ignore it.  If the movie bores you so much, then please leave. Don't sit there tapping your foot like your in your own lounge.  If its a twitch, then it can't be helped, but this is for those who constantly waggle their limbs like they have caffeine for blood. Sit at bloody peace.

Cinema chains:

1) Check The Temperature
Hands up who has went to the cinema and has had to keep their jackets on because it's so bloody cold? The ridiculous nature about this is that it's probably the a/c unit, rather than it being just cold.  Even though the staff walk up and down the steps about dozen times throughout the movie, nothing is done about it. Not easy to get immersed in the film when you have a large jacket on that rustles each time you reach for a Malteaser.  Either turn the a/c off, or put the heating on.

2) Letting People In Late
Now this is one that really gets me. Clearly the movie has started because it started at 2pm and it's now 2:40pm.  And yet why is someone now wandering in and doing that thing where they stare at the seats as though they have never seen a cinema before? This is irritating on three levels. One - Its disturbing my enjoyment of the movie, and Two - you have charged them full price even though they have missed a chunk.  Three - But maybe you deserve it if you still want to see a film after missing the first 15 minutes (I mean seriously - who does that???Would you not rather see something else and see this film another time?) Stop it. The doors shut for a reason. So stop selling tickets beyond a certain time - that time being the start of the trailers.

3) The Certificate Is There For A Reason
How many 25-30 yr olds have been asked for ID when trying to buy a tiny bottle of wine on a Friday night after a hard week of work? And how many have been asked when trying to put the lottery on? Challenge 25, right.  I bet none of the 25-30 yr olds have been asked for ID at the cinema.  Which is great, except that almost no one gets asked, so 12, 15, 18 rated films are always filled with those who are clearly under age.  Very annoying since they will be the first to make any noise.

4) Better Offers On Food/Drink
I'm no cinema boss, but surely this is an area they could capitalise on.  We are going to the cinema with food and drink, so it's a ready market.  And while there are some rich souls who can afford to pay the prices the set, most of us will no doubt nip to the wee newsagents across the road for a juice and some chocolate.  Entice us in Mr Cinema Boss! Offer it, and they shall come.

5) Staff Training
You offer staff training Odeon? Cineworld? AMC? Yeah of course you do. That's why I can see 2 tills on, a queue of about 25 people, and another 2 staff doing that "If I Stare At My Screen Then It Looks Like I'm Busy And Therefore Cannot Serve". Kick their arse. Fed up seeing staff wandering about (what do they actually do exactly besides serving at a till or the cinema bar, stock up and tidy?) doing nothing. I could literally walk in with a blank piece of paper and the zombie who greets me with a "enjoy the film" would still put a tear in it and wave me through.  Better customer service needed by a long way.  Of my local Cineworld (tallest in the world) in Glasgow, there are some really good workers. Which just shows up the ones who aren't, and sadly this is the case for a lot of cinemas. If the customer service level was like that in a shop, you would be hauled through the back and bollocked.

And there you have it.  Too picky? Perhaps. Too neurotic? Maybe. But is there any on the list that you would disagree with? Anyone who enjoys listening to loud chatter, or a big bag of Quavers being opened? Or to stand in a queue on Orange Wednesdays and watch as only 2 out the 10 available tills are on and not feel annoyed?

We all love the cinematic experience we get at the cinema, and just because it's 2012 and technology is upon us like a rash, does not mean we should accept any less than a perfect experience. In darkness. In silence. Ensnared by all that is on the screen.