The Anti-Oscars

It’s not often an Adam Sandler movie gets me thinking. I find it hard enough to even entertain the idea of watching him in anything that isn’t Happy Gilmore. But as many people out there in Literally Geeking land will know, thanks to relentless TV adverts, he has a new movie coming out called Jack and Jill (creative), and from what I can ascertain it’s about a male transvestite prostitute with split personality disorder that Al Pacino picks up and who subsequently begins to destroy his home.

Perhaps it’s based on a true story

So Jill Sandler destroys Al Pacino’s Academy Award playing a bit of stickball, although I’m sure we’re all thinking that Pacino had a different game of stickball in mind eh? Ordinarily that kind of thing would be heartbreaking for an actor but I have a feeling Pacino knew he deserved it. Not for picking up an ugly male cross dresser, we’ve all been there, but because he wasn’t allowed to hand his Oscar back after he attended the screening for ‘The Recruit’. I mean for the sake of ever letting myself watch Scarface again he must have tried to...he had to.

Little ironic that he won the damn thing

for ‘Scent of a Woman’ eh?

Now whilst I agree that he earned that Oscar for making Chris O’Donnell cry,  I just don’t think Razzies go far enough to punish his later choices. What we really need is an all new anti-award ceremony to take away Oscars from the actors who go on to make the kinds of lame movies only toddlers and serious meth addicts could enjoy or the ones that completely rely on star power and shrewd advertising to even get people to show up.

So in no particular order here are the “Winners” of  my 

‘Take that Award and Shove it up Your Pooper’ 

– Former Best Actors Edition of Anti-Oscars

Dustin Hoffman

I’m going to have to call bullshit on ‘Sphere’ and take back one of your Oscars. Only out of pure pity will I let you keep your other one after your involvement in the Focker franchise. Honestly I’d rather believe that Tom Cruise converted you to Scientology and that you’d spent the last 20 years building your own personal space ship than that you went on to make that putrid science fiction drivel...oh wait...nevermind. 

Robert De Niro

I’m sensing a Focker pattern here but no. One of your two Oscars is getting sold for scrap to repay me for the Shitfest that was ‘Limitless’. Ok I didn’t actually pay to see it but in a way I did, I paid for it with every dead braincell that movie gave me. Maybe you could try some of those smarty sugar pills before deciding on what to be in next time.

Anthony Hopkins

I wish I could take your Oscar off of you for work prior to receiving your Silence of the Lambs accolade but it wouldn’t be sporting and neither would picking on you for your Mission Impossible 2 Crapeo. Even if all that black paint in Othello was just incredibly painful to look at and gave me absolutely no interest in the Bard. No I’m taking yours for ‘Instinct’. We had to sit there waiting for you to say a line for an hour, to say I was bored is to understate the matter. I’m glad you ran off back into the jungle you dull hippy.

Ben Kingsley

Ghandi was great, truly great! So what the fuck were you doing in Prince of Persia? No good has ever come from a video game movie and I don’t believe you needed the money for Oscar polish and you definitely wont in a minute. If only the sands of time could take me back to before I saw that movie and let me slide my throat along the blade before I saw you shame yourself.

Nicolas Cage

Just everything. How the hell did you even get an Oscar for 'Leaving Las Vegas'? They could have told me I'd be watching Nicolas Cage's actual life and I wouldn't have twigged it wasn't reality TV till the credits rolled.  As for your recent movies. Do you accept scripts by having them thrown at you and seeing what sticks? You batshitty movie whore!

Geoffrey Rush

Whatever reason you had for voicing a part in Green Lantern will never be good enough. That film tore a hole in the fabric of the established Green Lantern Universe and just being a part of it is enough to convince any hitman who ever owned a comic to hunt you down for less than the cost of that guy in ‘Faster’(someone give The Rock an Oscar). But I’d do it for free, except to Reynolds, that man is hot and is forgiven.

Feel free to suggest others in the comments. But please...keep it hateful and full of bile.