In bringing my mini-retrospective look of 2011 to a close, I present to you the 10 most painful cinematic experiences I had to suffer through from their hopeful beginnings to their bitter ends. Before I get cracking though; the following list of infamous pieces have failed to make the final 10 for the singular reason that I haven't opted to torture myself with them.
They are (in no particular order & with their horrible-looking trailers)...Beastly, Film Socialisme, The Human Centipede 2, Spy Kids : All The Time In The World In 4D, Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son, Horrid Henry The Movie, Drive Angry, The Smurfs, Shark Night 3D, 3D Sex & Zen : Extreme Ecstasy, Honey 2, Monte Carlo, Love's Kitchen, Zookeeper, Glee : The 3D Concert Movie, Hop, Season Of The Witch, Red Riding Hood, The Dilemma, Trespass, Conan The Barbarian, Mars Needs Moms and New Year's Eve.
As for the one's I did sit through? Let the agony commence!
10. YOU WILL MEET A TALL DARK STRANGER
(USA/UK, Woody Allen)
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
A bunch of over-privileged, deeply annoying, imbecilic twits (most of which are writers of course) constantly moan about how unhappy their lives are and seek to have a fling with someone other than their own partner. Basically the kind of thing Woody Allen has done to death throughout his career.
WHY IT SUCKS
Even though it's infinitely better than the repulsive Whatever Works (my absolute worst of 2010) & the latter released Midnight In Paris marked a big improvement; this defines the type of tiresome effort that's dominated Allen's recent output thanks to his insistence on quantity at the expense of quality; leading to a character assemble that's devoid of believability, humour or sympathy.
9. THE HANGOVER : PART TWO
(USA, Todd Philips)
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
The first one; but set in Thailand with the added bonus of racism, nastier forms of misogyny & a drug dealing monkey who can mime the art of giving a blowjob.
WHY IT SUCKS
Rehashing the plot beats may have worked (to an extent) for Home Alone 2, but that same approach here is shockingly lazy. It's not helped either that Philips's idea of raising the comedic stakes is to be increasingly tasteless and represent the natives of Thailand as nothing more than monks, criminals, xenophobic businessmen and transsexual prostitutes. God only knows what he'll dream up for the very much expected, self-importantly titled Part Three.
8. YOGI BEAR
(USA, Eric Brevig)
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
A couple of crudely-animated CGI bears who enjoy eating the contents of picnic baskets rather than the customers of Jellystone Park, join forces with the constipated-fixated park ranger to stop some evil entrepreneur relocating their home to a traffic roundabout.
WHY IT SUCKS
Never mind the fact it suggests a weird-looking bug is much more of a unique scientific discovery to a film-maker than a pair of talking bears with the ability to water-ski; it's a colourless, lifeless children's film that'll bore children and infuriate adults.
7. TRANSFORMERS : DARK OF THE MOON
(USA, Michael Bay)
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
Robots hit each other. Shia Lebeouf corrupts the soul. Michael Bay ogles Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. John Malkovich, John Turturro & Frances McDormid look on in embarrassment. Jesus weeps.
WHY IT SUCKS
It continues to urinate over the childhood memories of anyone who had many happy times playing with the toys, it further illustrates that Bay couldn't direct traffic (never mind a film) & is further proof that Shia Lebeouf must be destroyed. Still, it's a massive step-up from Revenge Of The Fallen!
6. THE GREEN LANTERN
(USA, Martin Campbell)
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
Ryan Reynolds joins an illustrious group of individuals who've been the leading men in an utterly disastrous superhero flick.
WHY IT SUCKS
Campbell may have brought a lot of fun to Bond & Zorro, but there's none to be had here. It's an adaptation devoid of any interest to or passion from the source material that's thirty minutes behind the audience all the time and aside from Mark Strong's face, is plagued by some appalling CGI.
5. BATTLE : LOS ANGELES
(USA, Jonathan Liebesman)
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
Aliens invade the worlds major cities after hearing we like a bit of Modern Warfare. Sadly they didn't realise we only meant the computer game.
WHY IT SUCKS
First person shooters are fantastic fun to play, but they are bone-crushingly dull to watch. The same rule applies here, which is a shame as the teaser trailer suggested a lot of promise which it sadly never threatened to deliver.
4. SUCKER PUNCH
(USA, Zack Snyder)
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
Zack Snyder watches Inception and is inspired to make his own; but confuses a science fiction story based within the architecture of the mind with a teenage boy's wet dream.
WHY IT SUCKS
Not only are its sexual politics extremely ill-advised, it's also monumentally stupid to the point that attempting to analyse its meaning becomes an exercise in buffoonery.
3. HAPPY FEET TWO
(USA, George Miller)
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
Penguins sing and dance, then get stuck by the ever-shifting polar landscape. Sadly, none of them die horribly and painfully or otherwise.
WHY IT SUCKS
It presents the best case yet that the melting of the polar ice caps would actually be a good thing. Furthermore; it's the kind of disposable, poisonous garbage that will coerce kids to a life of accepting mediocrity and become avid fans of MTV Cribs, The Only Way Is Essex & The X-Factor. If you're questioning what's wrong with that, then you're already beyond saving.
2. YOUR HIGHNESS
(USA, David Gordon Green)
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
The Princess Diaries; but with crude "humour", no heart and a cast enjoying themselves far more than the spectator ever will.
WHY IT SUCKS
A grown-up take on the aforementioned fantasy wasn't necessarily a bad idea; but the usage of relentless post-modern swearing in a medieval context alongside the inclusion of a paedophilic Yoda-like creature created an atrocious one. I'm reliably informed that Danny McBride's television series Eastbound & Down is pure comedy gold; the only thing however he's prospering for here is solid manure.
1. PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN : ON STRANGER TIDES
(USA, Rob Marshall)
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
Your guess is as good as mine, but it vaguely involves some pirate folk setting sail for an island containing the prospect of immortality to which they all want for reasons they never bother to explain. Meanwhile; Johnny Depp's bank balance becomes larger than the GDP of an African country, whilst the rest of the world slips into a deep coma.
WHY IT SUCKS
There have been films far more offensive or ill-advised from 2011; but NONE of them matched that sinking feeling of relentless boredom that this complete snorefest of a feature offered. A film so tedious that if it were a boat the waves of yawning amongst the audience would cause the auditorium to capsize. It has a cast full of very fine performers yet wastes each and every one of them. It had a colossal budget of mind boggling numbers yet you'll have no idea exactly where that money was spent. It has such a plodding & paper-thin plot it would barely fit onto the back of a crisp packet - never mind a 150 page script. Worst of all; it is free of the burden of Orlando Bland and Keira Shiteley yet still manages to be the worst AND longest Pirates film to date. At least offensive films are able to provoke a response, this on the other hand provokes absolutely nothing.
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